my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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