We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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