FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
