Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
pray to the hookup gods
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
