Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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