This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
smell my finger.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
