her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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