Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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