Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can feel your judgement through the phone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
