Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
