puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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