i don't like sucking hair
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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