6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
