can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
