i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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