you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Randomize
