It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
