so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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