I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
