Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
