The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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