Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i came on her dog
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
