I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
