Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
