break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
