No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
