mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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