Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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