I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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