I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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