Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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