sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
