you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
