So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
