whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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