I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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