I can text with my tongue
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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