I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
