Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
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The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
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where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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