Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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