a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
