I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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