So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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