Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
