My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
