If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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