i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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