They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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