weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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