the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
