I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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