Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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