can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
